The Final Fantasy News!
by xX GTAshadow Xx
Summary: Similar to the Spira News, but bigger!
1. Machina Breakout

**The Final Fantasy News**

"Wow! This is the news office!? Cool!" _Rikku exclaims._

_This is the news office for the FFNews. _

"I heard Squall's here." _Yuna says._

"Probably Rinoa as well. I wonder if Sora has come?" _Rikku adds._

"Oh, it's time for the first segment!" _Yuna exclaims._

_**Segment 1**_

"There's reports of a Dragon sitting in the middle of a stage at the Opera House in Jidoor. Stupid thing won't move! Will someone be able to slay it so they can get on with the Opera? Also, Sephiroth has been sighted in the Nibelheim Fields where he was reported to have been trampling flowers again. I bet Aerith will be mad! Cloud is on his way to confront him now. And in sports..." _Yuna says._

"...in sports, we got the Besaid Aurochs, ya? We won 12-3! It's all 'cause we signed Linna up! 900 gil a game is worth it! That Nap Shot 3 works wonders, especially against Nimrook, who Tidus has been tryin' sign, ya? Those Psyches won't give him up! That's it for sports!" _Wakka reports._

"I saw Squall entering the Battle Arena at the Calm Lands... good luck fighting that huge bird... oh! Another report! Tonberry outbreak at

Sephiroth's Northern Cave. Who would be brave enough to clean them out? There's probably the odd Master Tonberry as well! Also, a Malboro was sighted at Djose Highroad. A rare sight indeed... what could draw it so far away from the Calm Lands? So far, it's not harmed anyone, so it's all good, right? And, one more report, let's go to Luca for the machina clean-up." _Yuna reports._

_Luca..._

_The Goers are being chased around, but let's forget about them. _

"Wow! It's Ramza Beoulve! THE Ramza Beoulve!! You're actually here!! Have you come to clear out the machina?" _Shaami asks. _

"Yes. It is I who will be the hero and save this fair city. I do not see Delita anywhere. I've no idea what his end is in all this, but I shall be the savior for these fine folks. Now, shall I?" _Ramza says._

_Ramza starts working on the clean-up. A Thundara here and a Spark Bomb there. Luso also joins in and takes a machina apart._

"Hey, stealing takes 'em apart!" _Luso notes._

_Back to Yuna..._

"Looks like Ramza has lots of help in Luca. Those machina are no match for Ramza's Thundara and Luso's Steal. Now, Squall has returned. He's got Dark Matter. Looks like Quistis used it to learn Shockwave Pulsar. I also heard Vincent Valentine was taking apart some machina over in Djose. Or was it Guadosalam? Yuffie and Rikku went to help him. Tidus, Auron, and Kimahri went to protect a truck full of Yuneos! Yes, I sell them now professionally! You know how I do!" _Yuna reports._

_Well, there it is. The Yuneos Truck is under attack by Bikers. Vic Vance is driving it, with Carl Johnson shooting away. Good thing Lance Vance isn't here. He'd be screwing the whole thing up! _

_Ramza and Luso have finished the machina clearing mission and obtained medals and gil. Cloud has started a chocobo race against Cid Highwind and Tifa. Wow. Oh, and Miley Cyrus is staging a concert at the Thunder Plains. Tickets are 5000 gil. Maddie Fitzpatrick is selling them at the shop in Luca. I bet Rikku wants to go, so Yuna will go get her a ticket before they're sold out._

_**To be Continued...**_

_**Profiles of the stinking rich featuring...**_

_**LONDON TIPTON!!**_

_**D'oh! Whoo hoo! That boy ain't right!**_

_**Bopalopashamalamadingong!!**_


	2. Gang Warfare

_**Did You See It?**_

"Wow! A lot has happened! We're going to the desert with Ladd, Alicia, and Lavian! They are to report on any strange happenings!" _Ramza reports. _

_The Desert_

"There's some wild girl here hanging out with a Dragon and some Bomb-types. Ladd's getting a closer look..." _Lavian reports._

_Lavian destroys a Grenade._

"Yeah, this girl is strange... why's she hanging out with monsters?" _Alicia asks after weakening the girl. _

_Alicia finishes the girl._

"Damn, I was to finish her..." _Ladd says._

"This is weird... what's this about?" _Lavian asks._

"Well, I'll just off this Dragon and we'll be right back." _Lavian adds._

_Back the News HQ...._

"Well, the monster-chick was strange all right... but not as strange as those Monks at Grogh Heights! They're a gang that slays monsters whether the monsters are wild or not! They recently killed a farmer's prize-winning Red Chocobo. Why don't we go hunting for them?" _Ramza reports._

"But we're getting side-tracked! Doguera Pass!" _Miley, (Ninja), exclaims._

"Crap! It's blue cats!!"_Lavian cries. _"Slasher time!"

_Lavian throws a Slasher._

"Wow, they're tough." _Alicia says._

_Miley finishes Lavian's target off._

"Yay, my Aurablast is stronger!" _Lavian exclaims._

_Miley finishes another one. _

"Ow... that Catscratch hurt..." _Miley says weakly._

"I love my Moonsilk Blade!" _Lavian exclaims._

"Oh, I feel much better thanks to Orochi." _Miley says._

"Finally made it through! What's with the sudden outbreak of blue cats?" _Lavian asks._

_Back at the office..._

"Well, Lavian has a point. Why are there suddenly so many cats around..?" _Ramza wonders._

_New Headline – Samurai Robbed At Grogh Heights_

"Yes, it was Balthier. Let's see... Kiku-ichimoji, Crystal Helmet, Luminous Robe, Japa Mala. All right!" _Ramza announces. _

_Grogh Heights...._

_Meliadoul, Agrias, Maddie (Dark Knight), Alicia, Lavian._

"Damn, no Monks.." _Maddie says, slaying a Wisenkin._

"There's just a Bomb up there." _Lavian notices._

_Lavian slays the Bomb._

_The Office..._

"No Monks? Where are they? Hunting innocent chocobos again? Keep trying, girls!" _Ramza declares._

_Grogh Heights... again... Miley, Alicia, Lavian, Maddie..._

"Yes! They're here! It's the Monks Gang!" _Lavian exclaims._

"Let's bust these guys up!" _Maddie shouts._

"Outta our way, bitches! We got chocobo meat to sell!" _Warin, their leader, yells._

"I'll not let you slay another innocent chocobo!" _Maddie counters._

"It's business, honey. Just step aside and let us do this." _Warin warns._

"No! No more chocobo slaying!" _Maddie exclaims._

"So be it... I warned you." _Warin retorts._

_Battle continues... Warin is killed.._

"...the chocobos... our mission.." _Warin says weakly._

_They finish off the Monks._

"Yeah, we saved the chocobos! We beat the gang!" _Lavian exclaims._

_The Office..._

"Well, the gang's been broken up and the chocobos are safe. The illegal chocobo meat business is no more. It's all thanks to Maddie, Lavian, Alicia, and Miley. Good job, girls!" _Ramza reports._

_To Be Continued..._


	3. Assorted News

_Wow, Yuna's back! _

"Yes.. and I have more news! Like the riots in Zeltennia getting bigger and worse, or the strange man yelling at Red Panthers at Fovoham Windflats." _Yuna reports._

_**Fovoham Windflats**_

_**"Get the f--k down from there! F--king jump! You bitch! You are a worthless piece of shit! Gaah! I am going to rape you!" some crazy guy yells.**_

"Who is this jerk and how can we stop him?" _Yuna wonders._

_**A chocobo comes along and smashes the jerk.**_

"That's one way.." _Yuna says._

"Sorry, my chocobo got loose. It's named Pingas, and it's coming back with me. Sorry about all that. Oh, and I'm Brock, the Chemist of Fovoham. I breed monsters and sell them to warriors." _a man says._

"Okay... now, there's reports of strange explosions going off around the Balamb Area... let's go check with Squall." _Yuna reports._

_**Balamb**_

_**"Yeah, it's hectic. So much fire... I'm gonna open this house to see if there's any survivors.." Squall reports.**_

_**Squall opens the door... "WHAT THE FU--!!" (explosion)!!**_

_**Rinoa casts Full-Life.**_

"Squall!! What could be causing those explosions...?" _Yuna wonders._

"Hmm, I think it's caused by Nitro Potions... they're using for mining in the Ivalice Magicite Mines. But someone got a hold of them and... well, you just saw it..." _Brock says._

"I wonder how Tidus did at the Calm Lands with those gangs. Something about 'Ballas' and 'Vagos' and 'Carl Johnson'. Who's Carl Johnson? A Summon? A Guardian? Is he as great as Sir Auron? He also mentioned a 'Niko', but this 'Niko' has not yet been spotted. There was also a large tank, bigger than a Malboro, roaming around there. Maybe Rikku knows how to take it down, it IS a machina after all!" _Yuna reports._

_**Calm Lands**_

_**It's the large tank! Auron can't even damage it!**_

_**"It's a machina! I need to get inside!" Rikku exclaims,**_

_**Rikku runs up and opens the hatch. A Vagos gang member jumps out. Auron kills him. Rikku gets in the tank and speeds toward the cliff. She bails out just in time to watch the tank go over and explode against the rocks. **_

_**"One problem settled..." she says.**_

"Wow! Look at it explode! Oh! Other news, right? Well, Ramza bought a restaurant and Wakka wants to walk in the watery weeds, what? That didn't make sense? Oh, it must be Ifrit's new ability, 'HazyFire'. It drives others kinda wacky... I have no idea how he learned it..." _Yuna says._

_FlashBack..._

_Yuna finds a strange orb and summons Ifrit. He eats the orb and glows. _

_Ifrit learned HazyFire!_

_End FlashBack._

"Oh.. that's what happened.. ??? Well, that all the time we have! So... so long from a Summoner waiting to summon the right amount of summons to be summoned! .....! Damn HazyFire!" _Yuna exclaims._

_To be Continued...._

_So what? Nitro Potion? HazyFire? What's next!?_


	4. Random News

"We're back with the already spilled over news from the extra units of the Spira/Ivalice/Gaia universe and I wanna see more chocobo reunions from the forest of the Ifrit Summoners' party!" _Yuna exclaims._

"The hell Yuna talkin' about?" _Keepa asks._

"Ifrit's HazyFire... it's gotten her again.." _Tidus says._

"F--K! I gotta control my f--kin' HazyFire!" _Ifrit shouts._

_Tidus and Wakka put Yuna to bed._

_Ifrit disappears due to Yuna going to sleep._

"Our first story... Ramza has decided to sell his extra Materia Blades to Zeltennia's Arms Dealer. And King Delita fought Kefka in a heated battle using only wooden forks! Brock's chocobo 'Pingas' has been eaten by Belias. Tidus got Rick Roll'd while viewing a sphere found at Luca. Vaan kicked a chocobo and got sent flying across the Ozmone Plains. Delita broke his wooden fork after fighting Omega Weapon. Ramza bought him a new silver fork, which Quina Quen promptly stole and replaced with a plastic spoon. Speaking of Quina, he/she/it has eaten 500 frogs now. A new record. He/she/it has been rewarded with an Adamant Fork that can penetrate anything. And the chocobo eater is dead." _Ashe reports._

**Headline: Princess Garnet Resembles Selena Gomez**

"What the hell? What's that about?" _Zell asks._

"Dunno." _Ifrit replies while eating hotdogs._

"Hey! Those're MINE!!" _Zell shouts, kicking Ifrit's ass._

**Headline: Ifrit Beaten By Punk**

"That's right! ...hey!" _Zell shouts._

**Headline: Miley Cyrus Coming To Balamb**

"What!? That's it, I'm outta here!" _Zell shouts, then leaves for Esthar._

**Headline: Be Wary Of HazyFire**

"We're back! An Adamantoise has been slain near Dollet by Laguna and Squall. Squall collected the adamantite and used it to create a car called 'Infernus'. Rumor has it that he wants to race Setzer. Setzer is believed to drive a car called 'Cheetah'. That will be an epic race. The prize is 15000 gil and Respect." _Ashe reports._

_Yuna wakes up._

"Hello. I'm sorry for my actions earlier. I'm not summoning Ifrit until he gets his HazyFire working properly. Now.. looks like Ashe has covered all the news for me, so I guess I'll close this segment. See you later." _Yuna says._

_to be continued_


	5. Headlines

_What's in the news?_

**Wanted: Warrior Who Dual-Wields Eight Different Kinds of Weapons**

This Warrior has been sighted poaching chocobos and stealing assorted weapons from Fynn. He is armed and dangerous. Stay clear and call the Captains.

_Firion is seen beating up some guards with an axe, a sword, and a bow._

Forget the guards, release the Behemoth!

"He ate my f--kin' Behemoth, retard!" _The Emperor shouts._

D'oh!

**HazyFire Still In The Air**

Random townfolk are being affected by Ifrit's HazyFire. It seems he can freely come to our world as he pleases. Yuna has lost control over him.

_Townspeople running around, destroying stuff and rioting._

_Carl 'CJ' Johnson fires off a rocket to scatter the crowd._

"HazyFire has taken its toll.." _Tidus says._

"I wonder if Shiva could counter it?" _Yuna wonders._

**Two Armored Warriors Fight In Ancient Shrine**

"I'll crush you!!"_ one warrior shouts._

"Hatred is what drives me!" _the other counters._

Is this, as well, the effects of HazyFire?

_The first warrior wins, "Mwahahaha! Know your place!"_

**Princess Garnet Still Resembles Selena Gomez**

...no comment.

"Who's spreading rumors about me?" _Garnet demands._

**Grogh Heights Now Safe**

The Monks from the hill have been defeated and the chocobos are safe again, except for that nutcase Firion trying shred them all up with his eight different weapons...

"Wow, that's good stuff! We'll be back with more news!" _Ramza announces._

_**To be Continued...**_

_**BONUS: Exdeath Pwned By 'Grinders'**_

_**BONUS: Besaid Chronicles IV Rumors....**_

_**"Really!? I can't wait!" Rikku exclaims.**_

_**"I'll make more Yuneos..." Yuna says.**_


	6. More Headlines

_What's in the news?_

**Yardrow Under Attack**

A lot of Ninjas have been attacking Yardrow lately. Something about an Arithmetician coming to town and they want his powers. Ramza needs to get his ass in gear and stop them!

(_Ramza drinking [milk] in the bar.)_

(_Boco lays an egg_.)

**The Chocogoblins**

Some weirdo has been doing some junk with monsters over at Fovoham Windflats. He has merged a Chocobo with a Goblin. Here's the results...

_Chocogoblin_

_Tackle_

_Choco Gouge (?)_

_Goblin Cure_

_[Chocogoblin Punch-Attack] -"Beastmaster"_

_Seriously, WTF?_

_Shantotto - "Seriously!"_

_Chaos - "F--k you!"_

**Vaan's New Speed**

Vaan has been sighted running through the Estersand at blazingly fast speeds. What could be causing this?

(_cougharmaxcough)_

**Orbonne Warp**

Ramza found a new warp at Orbonne. It takes the caster to a land with a pair of twins, a dumb rich girl, and a grouchy manager live. The spell?

"I fumub ka kinka bubba doba dock"... wtf?

Shantotto - "Seriously!"

(_Boco lays an egg._)

**Has Ramza been to Gibber?**

...well, he knows Gibberish...

Ifrit - "..."

**WTF? Princess Garnet STILL resembles Selena Gomez!!**

...no f--kin' comment.

Garnet - ".....I _am_ hot, you know..."

Ifrit - "....."

(_A Red Panther lays an egg._)

**Galbadia Slashers defeat Balamb SeeDs 25-1**

Squall sucks at coaching...

Squall - "...whatever. (_drinks beer_)

**Continued...**


	7. Move over, Princess Garnet and MW2!

_More news again! SAY WHAT AGAIN!_

_(Screw off, Tenpenny!)_

_Aha! Here's something new!_

**Move over, Princess Garnet! Rinoa Heartilly Resembles Selena Gomez!**

Ramza - "What? Now it's Rinoa?"

Squall - "That's it. I'm outta here."

**Ramza's Allies On A Vacation with Derek**

Ramza - "Hey! I never gave them a vacation!"

Agrias - "It was after Ultima's defeat."

_Alicia, Lavian, and Ladd fighting monsters around Blue Heron Lake._

_Orlandeau busting Derek for some reason._

_Mustadio teaching Edwin about Aimed Shots._

_Marti and Lizzie playing with Boco._

_Nora and George visiting with Beowulf and Reis._

Ramza - "Well, at least you had fun while I was hiding from everyone."

**Besaid Aurochs Buy Call of Duty Black Ops**

Rikku - "That's something to look for in 'Besaid Chronicles'!

Carl Johnson - "What? I don't need this shit!'

**Ifrit Beaten By Another Punk!**

Squall - "Not Zell this time?"

Miley Cyrus - "Nope! Jimmy Hopkins!"

Jimmy - "Stupid fire-man-monster thing! He stole my bike and crushed it!"

**Jimmy Hopkins Busted By Auron**

('Nuff said.)

**Top News: Tidus Reaches Level 10 Prestige in Modern Warfare 2**

Yuna - "THAT'S top news!"

Rikku - "He did it at the Luca CoD Tournament!"

Shantotto - "Seriously!"

Cloud of Darkness - "CoD? Since when did we have a tournament?"

Onion Knight - "Shut up, bitch! (throws Cloud of Darkness into the Void)

Yuna - "Hey, Ifrit's HazyFire is gone! When did that happen?"

Ifrit - "Yo, I just mixed 12 X Potions, 3 Elixirs, 23 Phoenix Down, and over 9000 Chocobo Feathers to make the Mega-X-Ultra Elixir-Potion that cured the HazyFire! Wow, I gotta remember this for next time it acts up!"

Bahamut - "He ain't gonna remember it..."

**BONUS: Seymour, Sephiroth, and Kuja get banned from XBOX Live while Kefka reaches Prestige Level 3 in MW2**

**Continued... **


	8. A New Format?

**Robbery Taken Place at Carnival**

A robbery has taken place at an abandoned carnival. The robbers seem to be army-like guys

with AK-47s. They were throwing grenades and grabbing flags labeled "A", "B", and "C".

They also called in a UAV and killed our best men. Please! Someone help us!

Ramza - "Hey, I can send my Dark Knights! And Cloud!"

Cloud - "I'm leaving." (disappears)

Alicia - "We have to stop them? This will be harder than those eleven Monks."

Lavian - "Yay! A new job!"

Ramza has sent out Alicia, Lavian, Ladd, and Construct 8 to fend of these strange soldiers.

Let's check on them later.

Agrias - "Alicia and Lavian are training to become Dark Knights."

**Dark Knight Unlocked!**

Ladd has already unlocked Dark Knight! How'd he do it?

Ladd - "I was just mastering stuff so I can get Lv8 Onion Knight. I wanna eat bacon and get

godlike stats! Also, I killed a lot of panthers and chocobos out there.

Random Onion Knight - "You know, this isn't as glamorous as you think. It's hard! I can't use my mastered abilities I worked so hard to master! Although, I do have excuse to use perfume... heh. Call me gay now, Kefka!"

Kefka - "Sure! You're gay!" (gets kicked out by Orlandeau)

_Let's leave Ivalice for a bit to see what's happening elsewhere._

**Wakka Hosting 10th Prestige Lobby Now!**

Wakka - "Wanna join? Come on, losers!"

_XBOX gets RROD._

Wakka - "Crap!" (goes to Luca to enter blitzball tournament)

**Rinoa Heartilly and Princess Garnet Still Resemble Selena Gomez**

_What is this? I don't even-_

_Justin Bieber runs in, gets trampled by chocobos, and eaten by a dragon._

_WTF?_

**Continued later... where are the spicy hot tacos?**


	9. ButterSock?

**What's up with the Fanwars?**

Dude! I saw some blonde girl fighting with some jerks over something about

'bacon' and 'spaghetti tacos'... and she was using a sock

full of butter...

Ramza - "Weird..."

**Ifrit FInally Beats Punks!**

Ifrit has finally beaten both Zell AND Jimmy Hopkins! Those who

wish to celebrate go to ... I mean, the Besaid Clubhouse where

our new recruit, Spencer Shay, is whipping up spaghetti tacos.

Oh, and Victoria Justice is going to be there!

**New Weapon Available in Balamb Garden Training Area: Butter-Sock**

Ever since new recruit, Sam Puckett, has joined SeeD there

has been increased usage of the odd weapon known as the butter-sock. Could

this be a strategical breakthrough or just a comical flop?

Squall - "Butter-sock? What the hell?"

Zell - "Will Sam be goin' on missions with us?"

**Manikins March**

A group of Manikins has been spotted in the area

of Winhill, where Laguna fought them off. They then started to march towards Timber and Dollet... where no one seems to be defending against them...

Also, in Ivalice, Manikins have been stealing tacos and beating

Squires to death with butter-socks...

**Bahamut Likes Spaghetti Tacos**

Seriously, what the hell, man?

**TOP NEWS: Vivi Makes Spaghetti Tacos!**

Zidane - "THIS is top news! Whatever..." (dishes up spaghetti tacos)

**Continued...**

_Hey, I'm surprised Tidus and Wakka don't have MW3 yet!_

_Tidus - "Oh shit!" (runs out to buy MW3)_

_Well, there's something for Besaid Chronicles... !_


End file.
